Leftover broccoli and chicken for breakfast.
What do you do when you’re going as a 1920’s fella and the sweet pocket watch your amazing sister — who as part of her amazing-ness happens to be an outstanding attorney in the DC area — gave you for college graduation is locked inside a Brinks Home Security System, and you’ve lost the keys?
You take out a hammer, and some screw drivers, and you bash that shit… with a few precise blows, or many if you have a lot of angst to excise. Game 6 of the World Series was on so I went for the quickest safe kill possible. How great was that game!? Two comebacks! Both down to the last strike! Come on! Sorry… but that game was great. Back to my MacGuyverin’.
I’d be lying if I told you that was my first plan of action, or one that I had come up with on my own. By the bashing point, I had already wasted 15 minutes watching a Youtube how-to video using paper clips. They were futile in my inexperienced, law-abiding hands. So I called my much smarter, engineer father and discussed the prospect of enlisting a locksmith. His retort, “A locksmith is going to cost more than that safe you’ve got. Hit it with a hammer.”
Ends up a locksmith does cost more than a Brinks Home Security Safe, which should have been a hint to the amount of security i had purchased for my stuff in the first place. Though my stuff isn’t valuable enough to warrant purchasing a safe that actually saves. A protective quandary. Or conundrum. Ah, at least I get to hold this piece de resistance tonight…
There it is… all alone in a Jim Crow fashion show. Let me be clear… there is no intergarment hatred going on here, only a universally accepted arrangement between vests — and cummerbunds — and standard suit attire to never live as one on my person. It’s far from my best look… like Pluto far… not to be narcissistic… but I don’t need to erect additional lady obstacles for myself. I’m set.
But I do feel guilty. Look. It can’t even turn and face Tie, or Dress Shirt 1 and 2. F$ck it. I’m going to “Abe it up!”… free the vest… and unify my entire wardrobe for the good of a 1920’s theme party. So it won’t be my best look… either was Miss Vatican City 2005.
… flawed … especially when it comes to my steady thirst for physical interaction with the fairer sex… which is complicated by my relatively recent release back into the world of singledom after years of monogamic commitment… which is further complicated by the balance of my bank account and the fact that I look nothing like Brad Pitt… which is even further complicated by having a conscience that I listen to more often than I’d like, but still less than I probably should because that would be really…
Even with all these obstacles, especially the thirst, I still think there’s a right way to go about convincing a woman of legal age – click here to double check North American age limits – that an evening of drunken, or sober, monkey is a solid decision.
Unfortunately, our Machiavellian culture emphasizes winning over process which leads to some of the douche-y singles etiquette I witnessed this past weekend.
1. A not so chivalrous, public ice water offering to an intoxicated girl by a less intoxicated guy trying to make it appear that he’s not attempting to bring her to the brink of incapacitation for a session of oingo boingo… not to be confused with Oingo Boingo… though if the guy is really creepy he may be playing this Oingo Boingo song during oingo boingo.
Then there’s the follow up to the showwater:
1. Any alcoholic beverage purchased by a less intoxicated guy for a more intoxicated girl following a showwater to get her back on track for nearly incapacitated oingo boingo.
And while it’s difficult – and often times illegal – to observe it firsthand, one can only hope that all prickdrinks are followed by:
[th ee ek-sawr-sist]
1. When a girl, bombed on prickdrink, ejects the contents of her stomach through the mouth and onto her douchebag date, hopefully soaking his fine Corinthian leather interior in the process as well.
Don’t be douches, fellas. You’re not always going to get what you want… unless you’re famous, rich, or ridiculously good-looking. And if you’re all three of those things… well… feck off… seriously. Most of us aren’t. But that’s okay. There is plenty of complimentary adult material just a few keystrokes away to get us through the lean times.