What do you do when you’re going as a 1920’s fella and the sweet pocket watch your amazing sister — who as part of her amazing-ness happens to be an outstanding attorney in the DC area — gave you for college graduation is locked inside a Brinks Home Security System, and you’ve lost the keys?
You take out a hammer, and some screw drivers, and you bash that shit… with a few precise blows, or many if you have a lot of angst to excise. Game 6 of the World Series was on so I went for the quickest safe kill possible. How great was that game!? Two comebacks! Both down to the last strike! Come on! Sorry… but that game was great. Back to my MacGuyverin’.
I’d be lying if I told you that was my first plan of action, or one that I had come up with on my own. By the bashing point, I had already wasted 15 minutes watching a Youtube how-to video using paper clips. They were futile in my inexperienced, law-abiding hands. So I called my much smarter, engineer father and discussed the prospect of enlisting a locksmith. His retort, “A locksmith is going to cost more than that safe you’ve got. Hit it with a hammer.”
Ends up a locksmith does cost more than a Brinks Home Security Safe, which should have been a hint to the amount of security i had purchased for my stuff in the first place. Though my stuff isn’t valuable enough to warrant purchasing a safe that actually saves. A protective quandary. Or conundrum. Ah, at least I get to hold this piece de resistance tonight…
There it is… all alone in a Jim Crow fashion show. Let me be clear… there is no intergarment hatred going on here, only a universally accepted arrangement between vests — and cummerbunds — and standard suit attire to never live as one on my person. It’s far from my best look… like Pluto far… not to be narcissistic… but I don’t need to erect additional lady obstacles for myself. I’m set.
But I do feel guilty. Look. It can’t even turn and face Tie, or Dress Shirt 1 and 2. F$ck it. I’m going to “Abe it up!”… free the vest… and unify my entire wardrobe for the good of a 1920’s theme party. So it won’t be my best look… either was Miss Vatican City 2005.