Category Archives: Making the world a better place

Hail Bloody Mary

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Yes. That is a bacon cheeseburger atop a Bloody Mary. God bless Milwaukee… and AJ Bombers.

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These maids need a union…

nudemaids

… or dancing lessons.

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Expert(?)

The proliferation of 24 hour news channels has led to a ridiculous amount of expert(?) discussions on eternally debatable topics to fill up airtime.  It’s a fantastic business model, but a breeding ground for oversimplified surface theories with no true roots in reality.  Nowhere is this more abused than in the world of sports and the current debate on a potential tarnished legacy for Peyton Manning if he fails to win another Super Bowl.

Somehow, in our culture, winning has become the only thing that matters, the ultimate measuring stick to rank an athlete’s level of greatness compared to his, or her, competitors.  Okay to do in individual sports, but shortsighted in team sports filled with numerous variables impacting the final outcome.

One of the greatest basketball players and “clutch” performers, Michael Jordan, has missed the game winning shot twenty six times and lost.  He’s got six rings.  But he also had Scottie Pippen, Horace Grant, Dennis Rodman, and Phil Jackson.  LeBron’s got DWade, Chris Bosh, and Ray Allen.  Joe Montana had Rice, Taylor, Craig, Haley, and Lott.  Joe Cool was also the recipient of good fortune at the stone hands of Bengals cornerback Lewis Billups dropping a Super Bowl winning interception.  If the Spurs make a few free throws or grab a rebound, LeBron and Company don’t repeat.  Championships aren’t decided by one player’s actions on one play, but a series of plays by teammates and opponents as well.

All were great TEAMS.  Something Peyton Manning has never been on.  He’s been the reason his subpar teams were even in the hunt.  And he still has managed to win a Super Bowl.

Mark Rypien.  Trent Dilfer.  Brad Johnson.  1 Super Bowl win each.  Dan Marino.  Fran Tarkenton.  Dan Fouts.  Warren Moon.  Jim Kelly.  Zero championships.  Does this make Rypien, Dilfer, and Johnson better than Marino, Tarkenton, Fouts, Moon, or Kelly?  Hell no.  Eli Manning’s got two, and 2 SB MVPs because they didn’t want to single out anyone on the Giants stellar defense.  Better than his brother?  Hell no.  Better than Marino, Tarkenton, Fouts, Moon, or Kelly?  No way.  The New York Giants defense beat the New England Patriots twice.  Make Eli go against his own defense and he doesn’t even sniff a Super Bowl.  Give Peyton Manning a defense and he’d have a handful of championships.

I hope Peyton wins another championship.  He deserves it.  If for nothing else, to shut up the experts… let’s call them critics because no football expert would ever question his greatness.  Whatever happens the rest of this season, and his career, he is one of the best quarterbacks to ever play the game.  I’d also like to thank him for quarterbacking my fantasy team this year.

Seems like the ex(perts)… I mean critics… didn’t think bottoms UP had much of a shot.

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But Peyton lead us to a decent regular season…

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… and came up with a 400 yds and 4 TD performance in the championship…

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… without the services of fellow bottoms UP teammates Randall Cobb, Reggie Wayne, Wes Welker, and Justin Blackmon.

So from me and Peyton — since he’s way too classy to say it in a public forum — we cordially invite the experts — I mean critics — to, “Suck it!”

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The new face of obesity is…

ME!!!

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In case the private shock wasn’t proper provocation, Gold’s Gym went ahead and posted the following flyer to include fellow gym members in my now very public fight against obesity:

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I can’t thank Gold’s Gym enough for their Machiavellian support of me achieving a genetically impossible body type.  I will fight.  I will work out hard, and if that’s not enough, I will find the right combination of malnourishment, exercise, steroids, diet pills and laxatives to achieve the American health dream… the human caricature.

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wasting time

Given the preponderance of proof I’ve been forced to scrape from the bottom of my afflicted soles over the years – and the seemingly fresh, daily deposits I’m obligated to navigate – I was surprised when I came upon this city sign officially pronouncing the act’s illegality.  Failure to responsibly clean up after pets has always been a covert douchebag-y social offense, but this happy happenstance made me realize it was one with actual legal recourse if I could find a way to improve the overall effectiveness of poop patrol in the city of (fallen) angels.

Now, I’m not suggesting we reallocate the LAPD’s already under(wo)manned workforce from solving murders, rapes, and robberies to looking out for uncollected dog leavings, but I am suggesting we find a way to make the law more effective.

Since most crime is about the opportunity cost of the illegal activity, I thought it’d be prudent to start by finding out if the fine adequately deterred future crime.  I called the Hollywood Police Station… who directed me to the Los Angeles Superior Court… who dumped me on Los Angeles Animal Services… whose switchboard was experiencing technical difficulties.  It seemed like no one in LA was on doodie.  I should have just looked up the information on the internet to begin with, but I had never discussed dog defecation – or excrement from any animal for that matter – with professional law enforcement, and I felt like this was my once in a lifetime opportunity to do so.

After scouring the web for thirty minutes I found the most recent listing (2002) for Los Angeles Municipal Code SEC. 53.49. DOGS – DOG DEFECATION TO BE REMOVED BY OWNERS:

“It shall be unlawful for the owner or person having custody of any dog to fail to immediately remove and dispose of in a sanitary manner, by replacing in a closed or sealed container and depositing in a trash receptacle, any feces deposited by such dog upon public or private property, without the consent of the public or private owner or person in lawful possession of the property, other than property owned or controlled by the owner or person having custody of such dog. The provisions of this subsection shall not apply to a blind person being accompanied by a guide dog. Notwithstanding any other provision of this Code, every violation of any of the provisions of this section shall be an infraction, punishable by a fine of $20.00.”

Twenty bucks!  Sure, times are tough.  Twenty bucks is twenty bucks, but it’s not enough to curb the undesired activity, or generate substantial revenue.  A good fine does both.  The dog defecation municipal code does neither.  If you combine the twenty dollar fine with the lottery-like odds of getting caught, there is no incentive for people to follow the rules.  That’s why my three pronged initiative builds off increased fines with an entrepreneurial legislative mechanism to dissuade the rich and stupid that are immune to simple monetary penalties.

My proposal will catch perpetrators more efficiently and effectively, while attacking their wallets and – maybe more importantly – their social currency.  The second phase of the initiative is to install small cameras in highly trafficked public areas most affected by dog droppings.  The cost of the cameras, and the additional officers required to police the measure will be more than offset by the revenues generated by the increased fines and the third phase of my strategy…

… selling the video syndication and licensing rights to the county’s new library of fresh, caught-in-the-act comedy content. Besides partnering with YouTube on its own dedicated channel, Guess Who Let The Dog Out,  Los Angeles County also stands to make a tidy sum by exploiting their videos through additional film, television, video, and mobile agreements as well.

This backend revenue stream comes with the aforementioned social benefit, too.  In a town where even the richest and most powerful have monumental self-esteem issues, the threat of exposing embarrassing moments to the entire world will make them more carefully contemplate the full ramifications of their (in)actions before acting (or not).

So what do you say, LA?  Let’s make policing dog defecation more effective and prosperous… or drop the pretense of giving a sh!t altogether.

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newfangled novelty necktie

I hiked upon this sign yesterday and instantly knew I had strenuously stumbled across the next jewel in the Spencer’s Gifts novelty crown…the CAUTION RATTLESNAKES necktie (although for proper human sexual innuendo the tie should be cautioning people in the area of a singular rattlesnake).  As I am not a tailor, or a seamstress, I’d be happy to share my good idea fortune with someone who is talented in this area.

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