These maids need a union…

nudemaids

… or dancing lessons.

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New Office Space

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Great view.  Reasonable rates.

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Expert(?)

The proliferation of 24 hour news channels has led to a ridiculous amount of expert(?) discussions on eternally debatable topics to fill up airtime.  It’s a fantastic business model, but a breeding ground for oversimplified surface theories with no true roots in reality.  Nowhere is this more abused than in the world of sports and the current debate on a potential tarnished legacy for Peyton Manning if he fails to win another Super Bowl.

Somehow, in our culture, winning has become the only thing that matters, the ultimate measuring stick to rank an athlete’s level of greatness compared to his, or her, competitors.  Okay to do in individual sports, but shortsighted in team sports filled with numerous variables impacting the final outcome.

One of the greatest basketball players and “clutch” performers, Michael Jordan, has missed the game winning shot twenty six times and lost.  He’s got six rings.  But he also had Scottie Pippen, Horace Grant, Dennis Rodman, and Phil Jackson.  LeBron’s got DWade, Chris Bosh, and Ray Allen.  Joe Montana had Rice, Taylor, Craig, Haley, and Lott.  Joe Cool was also the recipient of good fortune at the stone hands of Bengals cornerback Lewis Billups dropping a Super Bowl winning interception.  If the Spurs make a few free throws or grab a rebound, LeBron and Company don’t repeat.  Championships aren’t decided by one player’s actions on one play, but a series of plays by teammates and opponents as well.

All were great TEAMS.  Something Peyton Manning has never been on.  He’s been the reason his subpar teams were even in the hunt.  And he still has managed to win a Super Bowl.

Mark Rypien.  Trent Dilfer.  Brad Johnson.  1 Super Bowl win each.  Dan Marino.  Fran Tarkenton.  Dan Fouts.  Warren Moon.  Jim Kelly.  Zero championships.  Does this make Rypien, Dilfer, and Johnson better than Marino, Tarkenton, Fouts, Moon, or Kelly?  Hell no.  Eli Manning’s got two, and 2 SB MVPs because they didn’t want to single out anyone on the Giants stellar defense.  Better than his brother?  Hell no.  Better than Marino, Tarkenton, Fouts, Moon, or Kelly?  No way.  The New York Giants defense beat the New England Patriots twice.  Make Eli go against his own defense and he doesn’t even sniff a Super Bowl.  Give Peyton Manning a defense and he’d have a handful of championships.

I hope Peyton wins another championship.  He deserves it.  If for nothing else, to shut up the experts… let’s call them critics because no football expert would ever question his greatness.  Whatever happens the rest of this season, and his career, he is one of the best quarterbacks to ever play the game.  I’d also like to thank him for quarterbacking my fantasy team this year.

Seems like the ex(perts)… I mean critics… didn’t think bottoms UP had much of a shot.

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But Peyton lead us to a decent regular season…

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… and came up with a 400 yds and 4 TD performance in the championship…

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… without the services of fellow bottoms UP teammates Randall Cobb, Reggie Wayne, Wes Welker, and Justin Blackmon.

So from me and Peyton — since he’s way too classy to say it in a public forum — we cordially invite the experts — I mean critics — to, “Suck it!”

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Facial Hair Follies

Chaplin can chill.  Selleck can simmer down, and The Most Interesting Man in the World needn’t moveth over.  After a clandestine, and often scratchy, two week trial the results are in.  I, Michael Fred, can not pull off facial hair.  Humbly — and clean shaven — I present the photographic evidence:  Image

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The new face of obesity is…

ME!!!

bmi

In case the private shock wasn’t proper provocation, Gold’s Gym went ahead and posted the following flyer to include fellow gym members in my now very public fight against obesity:

obese

I can’t thank Gold’s Gym enough for their Machiavellian support of me achieving a genetically impossible body type.  I will fight.  I will work out hard, and if that’s not enough, I will find the right combination of malnourishment, exercise, steroids, diet pills and laxatives to achieve the American health dream… the human caricature.

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wine-ing

Things you’d rather not see upon returning from a two week trip — where you missed a historic heat wave — to your apartment that doesn’t have air conditioning.

Well… it’ll truly be an adventure in every bottle.

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conversations i never thought i’d eavesdrop on in a missouri truck stop

55 year old trucker #1:   “Boy my aunt and uncle could really jitterbug in their day.”

60 year old trucker #2:   “Yeah.”

55 year old trucker #1:   “Heck yeah.  They’d glide across that floor like a bowlin’ ball on a freshly slicked lane.”

60 year old trucker #2:  “I like ’em slick.”

55 year old trucker #1:   “You know who could really get on on a dance floor?”

60 year old trucker #2:  “No.”

55 year old trucker #1:  “That Patrick Swayze.”

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60 year old Trucker #2 (clueless):  “You don’t say.”

55 year old Trucker #1:  “If I had it to do all over again I would have taken some of them dancin’ lessons.”

60 year old Trucker #2 chews up the awkwardness with the longest bite of burger ever.

55 year old Trucker #1:  “You’ve seen Dirty Dancing.  The ladies love a man that can move.”

60 year old Trucker #2 says nothing and keeps eating.

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